Gazing at the radiant sky which was blue earlier, I was setting on the chair in balcony watching hide and sick game was playing by the sun in the cloudy sky. Sun was going to hide from the world in the crepuscular taking my faith also. Dusk was replacing darkness in surrounding, as my mind did. My copious mind was in dispersion and collecting obscure evil thoughts. Cerebration in one direction didn’t allow me to think on any other matter. The invisible strings control my thoughts made me unable to move from the thoughts that hit me on my mind.
The dark thought provoking in my mind today was: Is there really any goddess there for our protection, to take care me and my family? If she is being there for us to caring us then why she is just nowhere right now to help me with my grief. Is she become rude to me? Why she burden me with so much misfortune? And if this was so as was in my fate, then how much time I need to suffer? This grief is not for the days or months, it’s from years now. How can she just avoid my prayers? How could she watch me suffer just like nothing had happen? Why she can’t let me move in my journey further? How can she make me stick at this stage only in my life from the years? Does she feel nothing about my suffering?
They say we all connected with gods by our souls. Cause of the soul bonding, you have to be with my side all the time, my goddess. If you have an enough power to conquer with my problems, then show it to me. Let me free from my troubles and prove your goodness. If you are not taking little care for me, then why should I adore you as being pure devotee? Whether the only solution of our problem is hardships and struggles then why should I wasting my time in worshiping and praying. If praying changes nothing at all my circumstances, then why would I do worship?
The string of thoughts was coming in my mind asking me to become atheist. Literally I was losing my faith. Reached at the crossing line to turn to be an atheist, just when I heard sedative congregational prayer somewhere outside in the temple. The praising of goddess was hit my mind back and solace me. The sound of bells and dainty voice changed whole surrounding and made sudden change in my thoughts also. I just felt like some eternal hand is there on my home, on my head to protect me to not letting fall into even worsen situation. Like goddess is still there to guard me from hazardous situation and helping me in conquering my battles. I can still fight for my dreams, for better future.
The realization I felt that she still holding my hand to not lose faith in her. Maybe she was taking my exam on my faith which I should pass. Not to fail just like fragile do. I am stronger rather I should trust in her. She was there for me and will be there as always.
The reenergized thoughts growing back which was replacing the negative ones to positive. As I was almost on the verge of becoming an atheist and lost my devotion but she saved me. She almost saved me to become rebellious. The flame of devotion dimmed but eternal power made it rekindle.